bittersweet solitude of a fireflower


火の花

火。

Fire has been an intrinsic part of her, since it is her zodiac element. Fire is neither solid nor liquid – it is glowing gas, something that caught Man off guard when lightning first struck a bare tree and devoured it with its flames. Since its discovery by humans, fire has been considered one of the most powerful, and important elements in the progression of humankind. It is sometimes represented by a red upwards triangle, the athame, blood, candles, the guitar, rubies, and incense. Fire represents energy, inspiration, passion, and masculinity.

While fire provides gentle heat and light that does not get depleted as others feed on its warmth, it is its self-sustaining nature that makes it extremely dangerous if uncontrolled: it can turn aggressive the very next second, destroying every single thing one can possibly create, only to reduce them to nothingness. Fire doesn’t plan its next move; it isn’t logical. It simply is in the moment and will burn what fuel is available without judgment or forethought.

花。

Flower is part of her identity, something she cannot live without for she will not be her without it. To her, the flower is one of the most beautiful gifts Nature presents to Man, so much so that Man exploits it to its fullest extent: they can be eaten, worn, looked upon, given as gifts, and even be representatives of the abstracts, such as love, friendship and innocence.

There is no fossil evidence as to how flowers have evolved, and with that Charles Darwin actually named this the “Abominable Mystery” while developing his evolution theory. However, flower evolution continues to the present day. Many modern, domesticated flowers used to be simple weeds, which only sprouted when the ground was disturbed. Some of them tended to grow with human crops, and the prettiest did not get plucked because of their beauty, developing a dependence upon and special adaptation to human affection.

Such fragile creations are actually tools of one of the most important jobs in the world – reproduction, and when their job is done, they vanish as quickly as they ever appear.

Fireflower is essentially a bundle of contradictions, containing an angel and a devil in the same body, yet being able to find peace and balance from the chaos within. On the exterior she appears strong, brave, enthusiastic and happy, but on the inside she is really as fragile as a flower, being easily crushed and ripped apart, and sometimes she gets burned by her own flames.

所谓 “外刚内柔” 吧。

She has been expressing her thoughts online since 1999, but at that time the “in” thing was making homepages, and there was no ready-made templates for jotting down instant thoughts. She feels that being in solitude is bittersweet; when she badly needs someone to be with her to love and care for her, solitude becomes so bitter it can be unbearable; but sometimes solitude is sweet when her independent spirit kicks in and she enjoys her own company doing her own things.

Sometimes she finds herself being so multifaceted that she finds it difficult to define who she really is.

Well, she is hard to remember, but impossible to forget.

I am – yet what I am none cares or knows.
My friends forsake me like a memory lost;
I am the self-consumer of my woes,
They rise and vanish in oblivions host,
Like shadows in love – frenzied stifled throes
And yet I am, and live like vapours tost.

– I Am by John Clare

(Most factual information came from Wikipedia. The rest came from her imagination.)

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