bittersweet solitude of a fireflower

Happy Birthday
April 13, 2015, 9:40 pm
Filed under: Emo Binge


She alighted from her taxi, and walked briskly to their meeting point. Oh dear, I’m so late. Her eyes searched the sea of people, and spotted him. 

Where are you?

Try looking for me 😉

He walked to and fro, walking past her unsuspectedly. She had worn a new dress to surprise him, and he hadn’t had a clue at all. Then without a word, she felt his arms around her. There you are, his words gently float into her ear as he turned her around and kissed her forehead. So playful you are, playing such games with me. He handed her a lily; he remembered. 

They went to the top of their world, where it was just them and the beauty of the cityscape. The colonial past blended with the modern present, basking in the dusk. One by one windows of nearby buildings lit up, like flowers blossoming in springtime. We have a beautiful country, all thanks to our founding father. 

They clinked their glasses of red, slowly savouring each drop. Every bite of their meal was accompanied with peals of laughter, flirtatious banter, and wrinkles on noses. They kissed, they ate, they drank, they watched the world go by. 

As the night came to a close, a cake came visiting. You didn’t think I’ll forget, right? Happy birthday, dear. Happy birthday to us. A pleasant surprise it was; after all, it had been a full meal. The wine did its work and their tongues were in a trance, entering each other’s mouths in search of the bittersweet tenderness of the chocolate cake. The kiss was absolutely delicious, and they could not get enough of it. 

I wish to spend every birthday with you. 

Me too.


April 12, 2015, 9:55 am
Filed under: Emo Binge

 (picture from here.)

We are at crossroads. To the right, a concrete path awaits. At the end of the path, approving nods with enchanting smiles await. The smile that you often see during Chinese New Year when you finally brought a someone along. When you finally send the wedding invite. When your parents announce to gossipy relatives that you received a prestigious scholarship, or when you told your typical Chinese parents that you have a job in the civil service. 

To the left, a stone path waves meekly at you. There’s no hurrays, no confetti, and definitely no champagne to celebrate your arrival. It’s foggy and visibility is low – you can’t make out what’s ahead, and neither can you foresee what will happen next. Along the way, you may be hit by stones, sometimes rocks that come tumbling down from the hills alongside. There’s no “watch for falling rocks”, only uneasy silence. 

Would you go on the right path just because society approves, or would you be going on the left because despite not knowing what’s ahead, the love in you encourages you to stay strong and stand up for yourself?

It has dawned upon me that this thing called love is extremely frightening. It’s feelings and decisions intertwined, wrapped around by (sometimes false) hopes and (overly idealistic) dreams. Each time it happens, you’re required to let go a certain amount of trust in order to fall, and once you fall there’s no guarantee that it’ll be a safe landing. In fact, if you land unscathed, huge congratulations to you. 

Unfortunately, I’m at crossroads now, battered with wounds that could not heal in time.

Letting go, falling, letting go, falling. 

Wounds attained, wounds healed. wounds attained, wounds healed. 

Where do I go? Will love ever be enough?

Where Is She?
October 15, 2014, 10:37 am
Filed under: Emo Binge

Because I remember how you used to be, and I believe that’s still who you are deep down inside. And I’m waiting for that girl to come back to me.

But… She’s no longer around. Not here at the moment. She comes out once in a while, takes a peep around before retreating into her secret haven. Before you notice her presence, she’s already gone. And even when she tries to leave her mark, you would brush it away, like an eraser removing an accidental pencil mark.

She wants to be her again. Really. But you aren’t helping.


Love, B
October 8, 2014, 7:04 pm
Filed under: Emo Binge

It’s time, to place all those special memories into this little glass bottle.

I still miss that simple love, the untainted, the pure, the sweet love. But it’s not mine to keep. Sometimes, love just ain’t enough.

Continue reading

20 October 2008
September 3, 2014, 10:14 am
Filed under: Emo Binge

It’s been almost 6 years, and yet this memory has never really faded away. Sometimes it seemed so crystal clear, as if it had only happened yesterday.

He wasn’t one I would ever want to hurt. But I did in the end. And I’m glad I did, because he wouldn’t have found her and be happily married now.

Sorry, but thank you.

Got an email from him, and since I’ve not been checking my email, I only saw it two days ago, three days after he had sent it.

I hope he didn’t think I was dao.

I just feel so darn guilty. Poignant, it was, right to my heart.

But for what it’s worth, in those few days, i was happy, really happy. i had someone i could start to love. Someone loved me. i did not need to be on guard, i could stop being cynical about things. When i held your hand, it seemed like there was nothing else that mattered in the world.

But… I no longer have the courage to contact him. At least not now.

I just dun feel that I can face him the same way again… for now.

And i still think about you. i still miss you. i hate myself for it, but i still do, and i’m not sorry about it.

So do I.

Oh well.

August 14, 2014, 1:15 pm
Filed under: Emo Binge, Oozing Overload

The evening was cool – it had rained earlier, and the road glistened under the moonlight with a tinge of silver. He walked on her left, and held her hand. It felt strange; she wasn’t used to holding hands this way, but never mind that. They wanted to look for ice cream, but the store was crowded, and it looked like it would be a long wait.

His hand reached for her waist, and he kissed her lips gently with a cheeky grin. She could see the boyness in his eyes, even though he was old at heart. I love you, he whispered. They strolled up and down the walkway, attempting to find a little corner they could call their own, but none could be found. After closing another store’s door behind them, they wrapped their arms around each other in an embrace. She tried to breathe in as much of him as she possibly could before she started choking, but remembered that they were outside where walls had ears and chairs had eyes.

Continue reading

O Captain, My Captain
August 13, 2014, 1:42 pm
Filed under: Emo Binge

So one of the world’s funniest men had passed away, and many are left confused, lost, depressed.

I am one of them.

When I first read the news, I felt this deep sense of sadness. It wasn’t just “sad”, and it’s not even close to “very sad”. This sense of sadness is extreme, and mildly disturbing. I never even met this guy before, so why is it that his death had such an impact?

Continue reading