bittersweet solitude of a fireflower


Impetus
June 15, 2016, 9:36 am
Filed under: Daily Escapades

Is change possible?

It’s been almost 9 months. There is not one day I go by not thinking of you. The mistake I’ve made because of my cowardice. The mistake I’ve made because of my lack of strength in You.

I was so afraid, and still am. I want to be strong, yet I am weak. I want to stay, yet I should leave. It’s never fair, and it will never be. I try to give and trust.

But, I’m mistaken. Again. 

So what is it? I wish it is love. But I no longer know. It’s heart breaking. Heart wrenching.

I just wish to be loved. Protected. And I would do anything.

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Pillow Talk
April 30, 2016, 11:02 am
Filed under: Daily Escapades

We lay in bed, getting ready to sleep. 

I closed my eyes to prepare myself for the dream world and the light snoring ahead.

Suddenly, a whisper. 

“Can I tell you something?”

“Mmm?”

“I like you joining me in my endeavours.”

A pleasant surprise, and an uncanny coincidence. He answered a question I had in mind for a long time coming. His words poured over me, like warm vanilla over bread pudding. So squishy. So fuzzy.

“I love you, dear. Often I invalidate myself, but I love you so.”

I love you too.



Happy Birthday
April 13, 2015, 9:40 pm
Filed under: Emo Binge

  

She alighted from her taxi, and walked briskly to their meeting point. Oh dear, I’m so late. Her eyes searched the sea of people, and spotted him. 

Where are you?

Try looking for me 😉

He walked to and fro, walking past her unsuspectedly. She had worn a new dress to surprise him, and he hadn’t had a clue at all. Then without a word, she felt his arms around her. There you are, his words gently float into her ear as he turned her around and kissed her forehead. So playful you are, playing such games with me. He handed her a lily; he remembered. 

They went to the top of their world, where it was just them and the beauty of the cityscape. The colonial past blended with the modern present, basking in the dusk. One by one windows of nearby buildings lit up, like flowers blossoming in springtime. We have a beautiful country, all thanks to our founding father. 

They clinked their glasses of red, slowly savouring each drop. Every bite of their meal was accompanied with peals of laughter, flirtatious banter, and wrinkles on noses. They kissed, they ate, they drank, they watched the world go by. 

As the night came to a close, a cake came visiting. You didn’t think I’ll forget, right? Happy birthday, dear. Happy birthday to us. A pleasant surprise it was; after all, it had been a full meal. The wine did its work and their tongues were in a trance, entering each other’s mouths in search of the bittersweet tenderness of the chocolate cake. The kiss was absolutely delicious, and they could not get enough of it. 

I wish to spend every birthday with you. 

Me too.



Crossroads
April 12, 2015, 9:55 am
Filed under: Emo Binge

 (picture from here.)

We are at crossroads. To the right, a concrete path awaits. At the end of the path, approving nods with enchanting smiles await. The smile that you often see during Chinese New Year when you finally brought a someone along. When you finally send the wedding invite. When your parents announce to gossipy relatives that you received a prestigious scholarship, or when you told your typical Chinese parents that you have a job in the civil service. 

To the left, a stone path waves meekly at you. There’s no hurrays, no confetti, and definitely no champagne to celebrate your arrival. It’s foggy and visibility is low – you can’t make out what’s ahead, and neither can you foresee what will happen next. Along the way, you may be hit by stones, sometimes rocks that come tumbling down from the hills alongside. There’s no “watch for falling rocks”, only uneasy silence. 

Would you go on the right path just because society approves, or would you be going on the left because despite not knowing what’s ahead, the love in you encourages you to stay strong and stand up for yourself?

It has dawned upon me that this thing called love is extremely frightening. It’s feelings and decisions intertwined, wrapped around by (sometimes false) hopes and (overly idealistic) dreams. Each time it happens, you’re required to let go a certain amount of trust in order to fall, and once you fall there’s no guarantee that it’ll be a safe landing. In fact, if you land unscathed, huge congratulations to you. 

Unfortunately, I’m at crossroads now, battered with wounds that could not heal in time.

Letting go, falling, letting go, falling. 

Wounds attained, wounds healed. wounds attained, wounds healed. 

Where do I go? Will love ever be enough?



Oh, Love
November 26, 2014, 12:01 pm
Filed under: Daily Escapades

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.”

– Pablo Neruda



Does He exist?
November 16, 2014, 7:00 pm
Filed under: Daily Escapades

Is it true, that He knows it all? That He knows that at the end of the day, I really didn’t want to leave and He plans for things to happen?

Then, does He know that I really want to be there till the end of time, that I want to love him?

Of course, then again, someone else may enter and change it all?

After all, love is abundant.



Abyss
November 2, 2014, 5:28 pm
Filed under: Daily Escapades

Probably the worst shit ever.