bittersweet solitude of a fireflower

… was spent at AYG.

At Singapore National Sailing Centre

Was deployed to chaperone a team for sailing at the National Sailing Centre, and the weather for the past few days had been great. As sailing is one event that you can’t really watch on the spot (unless you’re out at sea with the competitors or you have a binoculars), we relied on the live commentary from the reporters out at sea who blogged about what was going on.

The whole competition will end on 6th July. A few more days to go… not to mention the demise of my weekend. Sigh. But oh well, the experience has been a good one so far, so I’ve no complaints

…

Had a break today and ran several errands, including catching up on my marking. It was cathartic in some sense, I guess.

Having not done anything pertaining to other people other than myself.

Doing my own things at my own pace.

We even went to the Night Safari to chill in the evening.

I like this. Not accounting for anyone, not being accounted for. Great stuff.

Had a lot of time for introspection lately. I guess it’s good because I haven’t been physically alone for a long time, and this whole week has been a good time for me to reflect because I had so much time to do so.

I found out that I envied the people involved yet dreaded the idea of getting engaged. A lot of people I know these days are either getting engaged or getting married, and it’s interesting to see that people around my age are doing so. And there I was thinking that every other human wishes to delay or forgo that life process.

I envy them because I guess to me it’s a pretty romantic event that I’ve yet to experience, and as all humans (I would like to think) wish, I wish for all sorts of experiences, good or bad (yes, I can be sadistic). I also envy them because I suppose it’s pretty sweet to have someone promise to stay with you for life, and that the two of you belong to each other for life (kinda like, “I PWNED YOU” feeling, for me at least).

Of course, something called divorce may happen, but in life we never know what will happen next anyway, so we just gotta live with life and see how it goes.

I dread it because I don’t know if that something will happen to me. I mean, life’s been pretty screwed up for me since I was 14, and I wonder if getting engaged/married would just be the beginning of the end for me. It’s scary, the thought of it all, that your life is bound to be intertwined with this other person’s.

What if things don’t work out?

It scares me shitless. I don’t think I can afford another heartbreak, although having said that I’d come to realize a long time ago that we’re just creatures of habit, that we can move on as easily as we want to, but only if we want to. It just takes time for new habits to form, for new people to enter, for new relationships to build.

I mean, I really love this man who happens to be sleeping very soundly right now, and I know (or maybe I don’t) that he really loves me too. But many a time, I’ve been a self-fulfilling prophecy, a complicated soul, a conflicting oxymoron, that I don’t even know for sure that I could do this.

Having said all that, I must insist that I really love him, and even though we’re creatures of habit, I really don’t think I can afford another heartbreak. Like, really.

Looking at those rings excited me. It’s like, gosh, I’m really doing this? I’m really going to be married? Really? When? Is this all true? Am I dreaming? All these questions popped into my mind, albeit a very delayed reaction, days later.

I feel sad when I know that it may not happen some time soon. And then I start thinking, will it happen at all?

I think the bottom line is, I’m afraid to grow up even more quickly than I’m ready for, even though I know that this is important and probably crucial. Yet, I crave for that status, being a missus, finally truly belonging to someone and spending the rest of his life with him.

Because that’s all I wanna do, really.

Oh well. See la, the idle mind is a dangerous playground.

I should just… get ready for tomorrow instead.